To Be Us
by Radiorox
Summary: Part 2 of "I'll Be Alright" (Read that one first!) - What happened in the 9 years since Harm and Mac have been apart? -COMPLETE-
1. Year 6

Okay, so let's see what happened after they split, shall we? From here out it's gonna he one chapter Mac, next Harm until we hit 14 and the NCIS episode.

Originally, this was going to continue on "I'll be Alright" but, opted for it to be a whole other story since they are not together. Yep, still pretty pissed off. I have a lot of ideas about this one. If they think about each other ever? I actually thought back to a failed friendship I had, nothing romantic but, a very good friend of mine where we fizzled out on each other. If, from time to time, songs, pictures, other people could bring up pleasant memories, I can't imagine what it must be like for a couple. Especially when Harm and Mac held back for so long.

Thank you all for the kind reviews and even the none-kind ones.

I've been at this for a while and have not received a reception like this for a story in quite a while. I like my stories with a degree of angst and some of them are really far out there...

The plan for this is to chronicle all the years between their split leading up to their on-screen sizzle fest. I am trying to get this done before September. I have hopes that CB didn't yank our chain.

If I could rewind time and make amends

If I could somehow hear your voice again

And hold you gently in the morning

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

Oh, just to feel your breath against my skin

If I could somehow taste your smile again

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

I try to pry my heart away, it's true, your love's crazy glue

So say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give to be Us, us again

To be Us, us again

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

Say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

I try to pry my heart away, it's true, your love's crazy glue

So say the word, and I will turn around and run, run, run to you

What I wouldn't give, what I wouldn't give to be Us, us again

To be Us, us again

To be Us.

"Us" by Uss.

YEAR 6

Mac was settling into her office, finally. The first few months at her new job had her travelling entirely too much and she'd barely had time to make the space her own until now.

She had organized her desk and pulled out a few framed pictures that she placed on a credenza near the window. The last picture she held in her hands entirely too long, her fingertips running over the images of her and Harm dressed in cammies in Afghanistan.

Despite the constant dance of their relationship, it had been simpler times then. With a frown, she placed it in the middle and angled it slightly. "Well, Harm, here we are."

She was tempted to call him and see how he fared after their split. Did he miss her at all? Mac had expected him to try to patch things with her somehow but, wasn't entirely surprised that he hadn't.

Who would she bounce ideas off now? She shook her head out of her stupor and steeled her spine. A Marine didn't need a squid. She was tough, strong and perfectly capable without him.

Mac wanted to hate him in order to ease an ever present pain in her heart but, she couldn't. He was a good man and she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would come to her if she asked him to. He hadn't abandoned her they just fizzled out. They were still friends, weren't they? With a sigh she placed the picture amongst the others. She really didn't want to forget him.

"Hello Sarah." A voice she hadn't heard in years had her whip around quickly. There stood Clayton Webb in his typical three piece suit smiling at her with an air of familiarity.

His appreciative glance made her want to cover up although she was in uniform. It made her cringe to know he'd seen her naked, that they'd been lovers for a time. Jesus Christ what in the hell was she thinking to ever be involved with him?

"Don't _ever_ call me that. You don't get to call me that ever again. One man earned that right and _you_ aren't him." Her tone was icy and impersonal. Mac wanted nothing to do with Clayton Webb.

"Just welcoming you back to Washington." He moved towards her, close enough that Mac could tell the years had not been kind to him. It was the job, she knew. But, his next question and the self satisfying smirk that came with it got a rise out of her. "How's Rabb?"

"You bastard." Mac couldn't help but slap the smirk away. News traveled through Washington faster at a rate that was dizzying. Everyone knew everything and the more connected you were the worst it was. It was likely the demise of hers and Harm's relationship was probably on the Washington Post. "What the hell do you want, Mr. Webb?"

"To help you.." He pressed a hand to his cheek rubbing it gently. He deserved it, he knew.

"Hah. I don't need any help from you."

Webb shrugged. "You have no choice. State needs intel from the CIA in regards to your precious Marines."

"The ones being held for ransom?" Okay, he got her attention now. A Marine mission to extract dignitaries had gone awry leaving one Marine dead and three held captive. Bureaucracy had halted their extraction and Mac was somewhere in the middle trying to find a solution. "What can you do?"

Webb placed a flash drive on the corner of her desk and smiled. "Woops. Must have fallen out of my pocket… Stay in touch." And just like that he was gone.

Mac knew it was a ploy to get back into her life, something that held no interest unless it was work related. What she found on the drive did offer insight that had helped extract the Marines.

It also put her back in the line of fire with the CIA when Webb had gone to the director and pursued an assignment with her. "The answer is, no. Hell no, to be exact." One of the things that she and Harm had agreed on was no more assignments with the agency and she would hold firm on that promise.

"Oh, c'mon, Mac. It'll only be for about a month. And you'll get out of that stuffy office and back in the field." Webb practically pleaded with her over the phone but, any sway he may have had on her died at Manderlay.

"I said, no… Good luck, Clay. Stay safe." With that she hung up.

Exactly one and a half months later, Clayton Webb's body was found riddled with bullets in a small shed somewhere in Iraq. Mac attended his memorial at Langley but, couldn't bring herself to cry. She had done enough of that at his expense years ago. She lamented his death, the man was a true patriot.

Not everything was bad about Clay. He did have his redeeming moments. Afterall, he brought her and Harm together. He broke them apart as well. Then again she had been too emotionally weak after Paraguay to understand just how much Harm was willing to give up for her.

She frowned at the thought and wondered, as she had so many times before, if it would have worked out had then gotten together sooner... They would never know.


	2. Year 7

YEAR 7

Harm turned over finding he was not alone in bed. Soft, pale, womanly skin wrapped haphazardly in bedsheets welcomed him. His eyes adjusted to the morning light and the realization hit that he was not in his apartment. He let out a breath and quietly got up, used the head and dressed.

She was still asleep when he was done so Harm decided to make breakfast while the coffee brewed. Rummaging through her fridge he found it to be just as sparse as own although he did find a carton of eggs and some cheese. An omelette would have to do. He quickly whipped up breakfast unaware of the woman that had been watching him for several long minutes. "Hmmm. He cooks breakfast after spending the night? I think I just fell in love."

"Morning." Harm turned to find Susan Gutierrez, the woman that he'd been seeing on and off for the better part of a year and a half staring at him with an appreciative glance. Gutierrez was a Naval Commander, a bubblehead of all things, one of the first female to serve on a sub. They had met at the officers club and hit it off almost instantly.

Susan was gorgeous with shoulder length dark blonde hair and eyes just as blue as his. They had slept together the first night they met and fallen into an arrangement of sorts - no complications. She was on a fast track to her own command and had a similar fracas as Harm and Mac although it had been worse.

The separation from her husband had been long, drawn out and filled with arguments. She was done with men and found that with Harm, there was an ease - he understood her - no commitment was needed. "I know we have this 'no sleeping over' agreement but…"

"You were pretty wrecked last night." She said with a soft smile. Susan padded over to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Not particularly." News of Webb's death had bothered him more than it had a right to. The man had come between he and Mac, nearly killed her and yet, had it not been for Webb, they never would have met. The man did have his redeeming moments.

Despite their split, Mac had been such an integral part of his life and he wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. "Thinking about her again? Harm, you got to let her go. Take it from experience, it's not good to dwell on 'what ifs'. And your eggs are burning."

"Shit!" He quickly turned to their now-burnt meal and offered to take Susan out to breakfast but, she declined.

When Harm arrived to his apartment he was surprised to find Mattie there wearing pajamas and sitting on his sofa flipping through pages of some text book on physics. He frowned at the sight not because she was there but, because of his appearance. His shirt was crumbled, jacket tossed over his shoulder, hair spiked all over- it was his walk of shame.

Mattie didn't know about Susan and he wanted to keep it that way. He knew how much she idolized Mac and this would be another blow. Their split had affected all of them. "When I make it out to a carrier remind me never to fall in love."

"Hello to you too." He said and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Plenty of couples make sea duty work, Mats. It's not impossible."

"Except for you and Mac." She turned to give him a stern look and frowned at seeing him so disheveled. Mattie had arrived late that night without warning in hopes of surprising him. When he never made it home, she didn't have to guess what he'd been up to. "Save me the complicated people routine."

"I don't want to talk about Mac and me." He dropped into a chair with a sigh. "It's over between us. We've moved on. My life would be easier if you would stop bringing her up."

There was a finality to his tone that saddened his daughter. She didn't want them to split and had spent several months equally angry at Harm and Mac. "Do you even love her anymore?"

"No." He lied although the look in his eyes said otherwise. Mattie decided to stop pushing the issue.


	3. Year 8

Again, thank you for the reviews. These are not intended to be long or drawn out, it's a snapshot of sorts.  
So, when it comes to Mattie because she was a part of Harm's life and, in turn, would be one of Mac's I bring her up here and there.

I really don't think people want long soliloquies as to the inner workings of her mind. Besides, when they split, she was old enough to figure it out. She lived with them and got to see the complications.

Now, I am not in the mood for math so, suffice to say, we'll assume she's likely halfway through the academy by now. If anyone wants to do that math, have at it. My brain doesn't wanna!

YEAR 8

Mac wasn't looking to find love, a partner or anything having to do with the opposite sex. Work kept her busy enough that male companionship was not required or needed. She was too tired to care - happily tired. Her job helped her do good things for the men and women in the Corps who needed a champion on their side. She fixed things, made the World a little better for the Marines.

The plus side to rotating back to Washington was Bud and Harriet who she got to see on an almost weekly basis. Bud was on a fast track to becoming Captain and Harriet took a position as Mac's aide. She was able to catch up with Mattie who was finishing up her time at Annapolis and would stay at her apartment when time allowed.

It was clear the young woman was not happy about their split but, she ceased to bring it up when Mac had asked her to. "Do you still love him?" Mattie had asked once.

Mac offered her a watery smile, "I always will." But, dwelling on her past with Harm was futile. She had thought about it too much, analyzed every mistake she'd made only to find that their split was inevitable. So, she tried to bury the memories that she could starting with the picture of the two of them.

It no longer sat in the place of honor on her credenza. Mac had moved it atop a filing cabinet on the opposite side of her office. She didn't have the heart to put it away but, at least, she didn't have it glaring at her each time she looked out the window.

Previous thoughts about never needing a male companion came to a grinding halt when a case involving the three year old daughter of a Marine was dropped on her desk. The little girl had been injured in a car accident and suffered significant neurological trauma that required surgery. She had been visiting with the family, making sure their needs were met when Dr. Maxwell Cooper sauntered into their hospital room.

The man was a brilliant child neurosurgeon who had saved countless lives and was revered like a god. He was funny, charming and completely devoted to helping children - he was also rather attractive. The good doctor had hazel eyes with gold flecks that shone when light hit them. He had a darker complexion, curly black hair which he kept neatly cropped. He was tall and preferred the scruffy look that gave him a youthful appearance. He was also a civilian that had never set foot in the military and scoffed at the ridiculous regulations.

Mac and Max had worked as a team to secure the necessary funding and team to help the little girl. He was instantly taken by Sarah MacKenzie and a dinner that was meant to be 'work' had turned into something more. They had kissed on the first date, practically made out in his car when he stopped outside of her apartment. But, Mac couldn't ask him up. She wasn't ready to fall in bed with anyone so soon. Max had understood and demanded another date which she'd happily accepted.

The next morning, she arrived at work to find her office practically covered in red roses and a card from Max wondering when he'd see her again. It was flattering and for the first time in a while, Mac felt happy at the prospect of moving on with her life.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of their picture still sitting atop her filing cabinet and a hint of sadness washed over her. "Is it too soon?" She asked to the images on the photo but, did not receive an answer. With a heavy sigh, she consulted her internal clock and within seconds it gave an answer she'd been actively avoiding. "Three years, six days, nine hours, twenty five minutes and sixteen seconds."

That's how long it had been since she'd last seen Harm. It had been even longer since the last time they made love and as her brain tried to formulate the exact calculation, Mac stopped herself. Moments like this she hated her internal clock and how it kept time so precisely. Time was one thing but, the fact that it could span so many years was actually a bit disturbing.

"I'm sorry, Harm." She took the picture and gave it one last, long look before placing it inside the top drawer of the filing cabinet. It was time to move on.


	4. Year 9

Okay, so, I waited to post all of these because I just wanted to be done with it. I love writing angst because it's fun for me. The romantic stories are cute, great but, I do prefer my romance with a bit of angst.

This story in particular is all angst all day. It happens.

I've wrestled with whether or not they would have spoken. For sure, we know they never SAW each other - Mac states this to Hetty - but, not so sure they wouldn't have dropped an email here or there.

As improbable as some people think it is to spend countless years not in contact with someone you care for, by personal experience, it isn't. I've had a similar thing occur (not in a romantic relationship but, still) where the only contact I've had has been through Facebook. We've been in the same city and not connected. We don't call, we don't email, we don't chat. Just a random post on FB and life goes on and it's been a good 10 years. Doesn't mean we don't care for each other any less.

I know a lot of people wanna think it wouldn't happen but, it does. H&M's engagement was rushed when their relationship was such a mess in S9 and S10. They were barely friends, they never connected and suddenly, they are engaged and deciding their futures in one night. Yea, I don't think so - the JAG finale left me feeling blah about everything.

They needed to date, to get to know each other's domestic habits, to live together, sleep together, etc. Little things like that can wreck a relationship. Doesn't mean that they don't love each other but, sadly, it wasn't their time.

So let's finish my little train wreck up so I can move on to other stories. :)

**YEAR 9**

The ship was still pitching relentlessly when Harm made it to his stateroom and for the first time in years he felt the urge to throw up. He took a bottle of water from his closet and drank deeply wishing it were something stronger. With a huff, he leaned against his door and tried to steady his nerves. "That was a close one."

In all of his years as a pilot nothing had ever put him so close to another ramp strike and as a result his hands were still shaking. It was a part of his life that he had long since forgotten, a memory that each successful landing had banished. The last few years on a carrier had been a dream with it's fair share of ups and downs but, nothing like tonight where he was sure he wouldn't survive….

..."Phantom, can you make it back?" Harm heard the LSO's voice call over his headset as another bolt of lighting lit up the sea. He had been patrolling a no-fly zone when, out of nowhere a storm cell had formed. It was big, relentless, furious and had forced Harm and his wingman to abandon their mission in an attempt to return safely to the carrier.

Only the storm had swallowed up the ship as well, making the landings almost impossible for the ten planes that were still in the air. It had taken each pilot several tries to stick the landing as the deck would pitch mercilessly. "I am almost bingo fuel." Harm said through spotty communications. "I repeat, I am almost bingo fuel." He had a good ten minutes of flight time before he would have to eject.

The thought frightened him more than words could express. He'd been in this situation before, understood what it was like to punch out over a stormed tossed ocean. There was no Mac around to save him this time either and the cost of another ejection would be the end of his Naval career. "What was that, Mainland?"

"God damnit!" Harm cursed at the torrid communications as he brought the plane around for another attempt. "Flapper, can you reach Mainland?" He called over his comm unit hoping to contact his wingman.

"Negative, CAG. Hammer, I'm bingo fuel, can't keep her up for another pass." Flapper said over the comms. He was flying just ahead of Harm and began a wobbly approach towards the carrier.

"Try to keep her steady, Mike. You can do this." Although, Harm wasn't so sure. He had been made CAG a month prior, a job that he enjoyed immensely as he helped mold younger aviators. Flapper was a rookie and had more dings in his record than any Naval aviator should. Harm saw something of himself in the younger man and had opted to keep him on as his wingman in order to keep an eye on the fledgling pilot. After two missed traps, he wasn't sure that the younger man would survive longer in the Navy.

He heard Flapper call the ball and although the plane landed roughly, he was able to catch the one wire. His own plane had begun to protest, sensors lighting up the display like a Christmas tree as Harm realized he was now running on fumes. He maintained the jet as steady as possible watching as the deck pitched before him, the landing lights shifting left and right almost violently. He called the ball, gave the plane more power and just barely caught the two wire when the arresting gear stopped his forward momentum….

…. For the briefest of moments, he had envisioned crashing into the deck, dying as the fire consumed his body. It was morbid, macabre and yet it was still running through his mind. Before vanishing into the safe haven of his stateroom, Harm had joked with the other pilots brushing up their near-death experience as 'just a day's work' and no one had seen through his facade. He veiled his emotions, gave Flapper a hearty pad on the back and had disappeared to do 'paperwork' only to hide away from them all.

For some inexplicable reason, he felt the need to call her, to hear her voice and calm the irrational thoughts running through his head. He reached for the phone on the wall and put in a ship to shore call to a number that was still familiar, he just hoped Mac hadn't changed it.

It took a few tries to connect and several rings later he heard her voice over the line in a familiar timbre that informed him she had been sleeping. _"Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."_

Harm took a breath and held it, unsure what to say or if she would even want to hear from him. They hadn't exactly kept in touch, the only things left of their relationship were pictures and memories. _"Hello?"_

But, he couldn't seem to find the words when he heard someone else on the other side, a male voice speaking to her. _"Sarah, what's wrong?"_

It made Harm feel like a fool and without so much as a word, he hung up. He paced the room a bit, anger rising inside at the notion that she was with another man. That he had been replaced by another man that called Mac by her given name. He didn't have a right to feel that way, he knew, as he had his own life now and a woman that… that what? He didn't love Susan, it was all for a sort of companionship, someone to go to when he was back home.

Still, hearing her with another hurt more than he could comprehend. With a start, he pulled open the door and decided he needed company and the younger jet jocks that would ease his mind for the moment.


	5. Year 10

**YEAR 10**

"You know, I've been relatively patient with you." Mac raised her head up from the file she was studying to find Max kneeling before her with glimmering engagement ring between his thumb and index finger. He was still dressed in surgical scrubs and although he was smiling brightly at her, she could tell he was beyond exhausted.

Max never could mask his emotions, he wore them on his sleeve and by the look in his eyes, she could tell that something hadn't gone well. He'd lost a patient. "Max." She said in a warning tone even as her eyes dropped to the ring he was offering her.

"C'mon, Sarah… We've been together two years. Let's get married, move in, start a family."

Only it hadn't been two years. Mac's internal clocked ticked off the time, noting they'd been dating for only one year, nine months, four days, six hours and twenty nine minutes. With a sigh, she stopped herself from counting down another day, one that told her the last time she'd seen Harm. "It's been good between us. Why rock the boat?"

"You still can't let go of him can you?" He stated suddenly, which completely took Mac by surprise. He'd only ever brought up Harm once, several months ago when an unexpected call had awoken Her…

...Max and Mac had been on holiday in England when her cellphone rang bringing her out of a dead sleep. She had been exhausted from the long flight and had practically passed out the moment they reached their hotel room. The trip had been planned by Max as a way to get them out of Washington and have her all to himself.

Max's hand on her hip tightened, the act a familiar one of possession that Harm had done when she awoke before him. It was a touch that didn't feel the same although she cared for Max. The poor man was trying everything to sway her feelings - to make her love him. She did love him, in a fashion but, had long resigned to the fact that she would never fall in love again. It was a fact that saddened and upset her.

Mac checked the caller ID, displeased when the word 'Unknown' flashed back at her.

Instinctively, she knew it was him, Mac would stake her life on it. She had been feeling an unease of late over something she couldn't put a finger on until her sleep was interrupted. She shifted out of Max's arms and sat up in bed, staring at the phone in hopes that it would ring again.

"Who was that?"

"No one." She lied and slid back under the covers after shutting the phone off. "Go back to sleep."

Max yawned sleepily and tried to pull her back to him but she resisted. "Does he often call you? Is that why you don't want me moving in?"

"What? Who?"

"Your ex, the Captain." She hadn't exactly gone into lengthy details about her past love life only that she had been engaged to a Captain in the US Navy and that things ended amicably. Max knew that she and Harm had worked together for years and that somehow they decided to give marriage a try but, that had been the extent of it all. She hadn't felt the need to divulge into her medical issues, the miscarriage or the fact the only man who had made her deliriously happy was Harm. She hadn't told him about the nightmares, the sleepless nights or the sadness that wouldn't quite abate when she was alone.

"The one your daughter idolizes." He knew about Mattie, met the young woman once or twice but, she never seemed too receptive towards him and only was polite for Mac's sake. "Harm?"

Mac reached over and turned the lamp on. "Harm and I have been over for awhile… He has no bearing on my relationship with you."

"Then why are you shaking?" He pointed out as her hands shook involuntarily. Max took her hands in his and held them tightly. "Who was this guy to you, really?" Only Mac couldn't find the words to break it down when Harm had been so much to her. There was never anyone else in her life that cared like he did, loved like he did or understood like he did. Yes, they had their problems and he was often stubborn and sometimes callused in his words but, he kept her sane. "Sarah? Talk to me."

"He was my best friend before we became more… Harm knows everything about my life. So, yes, it is a bit difficult at times but, I'm with you. I want to be with you. Believe me."

"I love you." He stated but, Mac could not say the words back….

….Max came up from his knee and took a seat on top of her coffee table. He glanced around her apartment the warm, inviting colours and the three framed pictures above the mantel: one of the Roberts' children, another of Mattie in her uniform and the last one of Chloe with her husband and baby. There were no pictures of Mac and the only personal effects were that of the dinosaur bones scattered across her dining table, a hobby he really did not understand.

"Do you love me, Sarah?" He asked suddenly when he noticed that Mac had gone back to the file in her hand as if his proposal had not occured.

Mac dropped the file and studied his expression for a moment. She had made various comparisons between Max and Harm and found that she was growing considerably irritated with how easy her current lover was to read. Max didn't hide his emotions, he wore them proudly and expected the same from her - it was a source of most of their arguments.

"Yes, I do love you but, why rush this?" She'd been through this before - a rushed engagement to appease her lonely soul. It had been her downfall with Mic and she vowed never to venture down that road again.

"Sarah…" He was going to make his case, beg if needed until the glint of something caught his eye. Mac was wearing a robe and when she leaned towards him, Max could clearly see her dogtags and the ring that hung alongside them. He had seen it once before but, never questioned it realizing that his goal was to make her fall for him and forget Harmon Rabb. Now, as he stared at the perfect circle, he realized that he was chasing a dream.

"No rush." He brushed his lips against hers and slipped the ring into the pocket of his scrubs before standing and heading to the kitchen.

Mac followed, wrapping her arms around him from behind and pressing a kiss against his neck. "Please, don't be angry with me."

"I'm not angry with you, Sarah. I'm pissed at the situation." He turned in her arms and brought his hands up to cup her face. "Tell me how I can make you forget him."

"Just love me." She said softly and sighed when his lips descended on hers.


	6. Year 11

**YEAR 11**

"Hey, Uncle Harm? It's for you." Harm was in the family room of Bud and Harriet's home helping build a Lego set given to one of the twins. He glanced up from his spot on the floor to see a, not so little, Little AJ holding out a cellular phone.

Through the years he had kept up some with Bud and Harriet and the rest of his friends at JAG. Just, not enough to really broach the subject of his and Mac's separation. Harriet had try to pry once and he had politely asked her not to. Their split was amicable and he wanted to keep it that way. He knew the younger woman was working with Mac, that alone had put a wedge between their friendship but, when AJ had asked him to come for his 17th birthday, Harm agreed.

"Who is it?" Although he didn't have to ask. For the last six years it seemed that everyone was trying to play matchmaker, to fix the impossible. He was tired of it and now it seemed like his godson had joined the cause.

There was a mischievous gleam in the young man's eyes and almost instantly, Harm's palms began to sweat. Instinctively, he knew who was on the other line and every feeling and emotion that he'd managed to keep in check bubbled up as they always did when he thought of her.

Harm wanted to refuse, to run but, the pleading look that the younger man was giving him, made him gave in. After all, she was supposed to be at his birthday party too, he would have seen her, they would have likely talked. At least, by phone, it would be easier. Reluctantly, he took the device and held it to his ear, "Hi, Mac."

Obviously, the caller seemed as unnerved as he was as it took her a second or two to realize who was on the other line. _"Harm?"_

"Yeah."

_"Oh."_ The silence seemed to stretch out a bit longer and Harm rubbed one sweaty palm over his jeans and then the other, switching the phone to his opposite ear.

"How are you?"  
_"How are you?"_

They asked at the same time.

"Good you?"  
_"Great, you?"_

Neither could help but chuckle nervously and as another expanse of silence began to cement itself, Harm spoke out. "Good. I ah, looks like I am heading to the new carrier soon." Work, yes. He would talk to her about work, it was always the way out of any other conversation.

_"The Allegiance?"_ Mac had known about the ship, it had been all of the rage over every single military network. It was supposed to be state of the art, a tech nerd's dream with a comm room to provide unparalleled video conferencing with whomever they desired. It was supposed to be a test ship, one that would be retrofitted yearly and used for special missions. Only the best of the best would serve on board and she wasn't surprised Harm had been selected.

Harm smiled, "Yeah. I still be flying Hornet's though." He said with regret as he'd hoped to eventually get behind the stick of a JSF that the Navy still couldn't seem to get working on their carriers. "How's SOS going for you?"

_"It's great! I would love to say that I miss JAG but, I honestly don't."_ And it was the truth. She missed her friends, the camaraderie, him. During their time at JAG they would see each other daily, it was a constant that never wavered. Despite arguments, misunderstandings and the more fragile points of their relationship, she had a confidant, a work partner - someone passionate to discuss cases with. She missed that. She missed him.

_"How are you, really?"_ Her question sounded innocent but, it was anything but. Throughout the years she had wondered about him, if he was seeing someone else, if he was still as hurt as she was. She cared for Max, loved him in a fashion but, he wasn't Harm. When he didn't immediately answer, she asked the question that was burning. She had to know. _"Seeing anyone?"_

"On and off, yeah. Nothing serious. You?" He winced at how cavalier that sounded, how reckless. Harm wanted to clarify, to let her know that he wasn't screwing a girl in every port but, honestly, what did it matter? They weren't together and had no claim on each other's love life.

Mac took a breath and bit her lower lip so hard she drew blood. Six years later _and_ this wasn't any easier - the thought of him with another woman. She took comfort in the fact that he didn't seem too enthralled about his 'not serious' relationship. _"Been seeing a pediatric neurosurgeon."_

He couldn't help the jealousy or the feeling of inadequacy. Although being a pilot was an integral part of keeping the States safe, he imagined her boyfriend, a brilliant surgeon, saving lives. Having a direct impact in keeping families happy and here he was playing jet jock. "Is it serious?"

His question angered Mac slightly, she felt he didn't have the right to ask especially considering neither of them had bothered staying in touch. Then again, she had opened up this line of questioning, as a lawyer, she should have known better. _"I don't know. It's uncomplicated at the moment."_ She wasn't about to tell him that six months earlier, Max had proposed.

"Keeping your options open again?"

Mac snorted at his implication and a comment he had shot at her years ago that still stung. _"Maybe you're just too hard to get over?"_

"Hah. Right." He scoffed at her comment unsure what he could say. Damnit, he wanted to tell her that he loved her and always would. He wanted to tell her that he missed her and thought about her entirely too much. He wanted to tell her that he compared other women to her and found them all lacking. He just wanted her but, his pride wouldn't let him give in.

The silence, yet again, stretched out and Mac found herself gripping to the phone almost desperately. She wanted to tell him so many things, to beg for his forgiveness at how she acted when her body miscarried their child. It was a sense of guilt that she would never get over. _"Harm… I still lo…"_ Only she didn't get to finish her declaration of love as seconds later, the tiny voices of twins Eric and Alice came over the line.

The kids had stripped the phone from him and Harm never got a chance to say goodbye or wish her well. He tried to retrieve the phone but, the younger Roberts had run off with the device. Quietly, Harm stood and made his way out to the front porch that was devoid of other humans. He leaned against the railing that surrounded the porch, his body sagging against it in defeat.

"You alright?" Sturgis had noticed his friend and the almost pathetic way he'd detached himself from them. He left Varese's side, leaving her to attend to their two kids as he followed Harm. The men had been able to mend their relationship although, things were never the same. He had been pompous, impossible, choosing work over friendship. Life had changed, his wife had changed him and Sturgis had discovered that the Navy was no longer the most important thing in his life.

"Yeah… I just…"

"Miss her?" He handed Harm a beer and watched as his friend took a long pull from the bottle. Sturgis had retired seven years prior, when he discovered that Varese was pregnant. He wanted to be there for her and found that her career was much more satisfying and important than his own. So he'd switched to reserve duty and worked full time as her manager finding he had quite a knack of the entertainment business.

"More than I can put into words."

"Have you talked to Mac at all?"

"No… I didn't exactly have anything to say. It's amazing how fast time passes."

"You two are idiots, you know that?" Sturgis said what they all thought. It was clear they weren't supposed to be with anyone else. Why everything had fallen apart had been a mystery. He always thought they would figure it out not continue to live separate lives. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair and he was tired to see his friends hurting. "I don't understand why you two would rather be miserable than set your egos aside."

"Sturgis, I love her, I always will but, we just aren't meant to be together. We tried, we failed. It happens." Harm tried to rationalize their failures, the belief that it was the 'right people, wrong time' but, it sounded flat even to him. "I want her to be happy."

His words saddened Sturgis who had kept secret a truth that Mac had let slip out eons ago. Why couldn't his friend see that Mac wouldn't be happy with anyone else? "When I first joined headquarters, Mac let it slip that she was in love with you. I promised her never to say a thing and now I wonder if I should have."

"We were in the same command…"

"Don't give me that bullshit, Harm!" Sturgis yelled at his friend, ceasing any other wall that his friend would try to build. "Chegwidden would have kept you two together. He would have bent a rule or fifty for you two like he did for Bud and Harriet." Angrily, he jabbed a finger into Harm's chest. "Admit that you were too much of a coward to make it work. Both of you were!"

Harm brushed his friend's hand away and came toe to toe with him. His face was flushed and anger course through this veins as he took Sturgis by the shirt. "You don't know a damned thing about us."

"I know you still love each other. I know you can fix it." He took a step back as Harm's hand fell away from him. "The final chapter isn't written."

Harm shook his head. "She's seeing someone, Sturgis. I'm not coming between that. Say goodbye for me." With that, he pulled his keys out of his pant pocket and left.


	7. Year 12

**YEAR 12**  
Mac was sitting in her office, when a brand new copy of The Navy Times appeared as she moved several files off of her desk. It had been buried under a mountain of files and she was about to toss it out when a familiar face drew her to the paper. There on the cover was his picture with that sexy flyboy smile and those blue eyes she loved to drown in. "Meet Allegiance's new XO."

Her heart swelled with pride at what was likely a lifelong dream of his finally come to fruition. She found herself genuinely happy for Harm and the success he was able to achieve this time around. It was well deserved even if their relationship had been the ultimate cost. She read the article on Harmon Rabb Jr that detailed certain facts about his life like his tenure at JAG. It glossed over his career and she couldn't help to notice that several key footnotes were missing.

She studied the picture of him standing aboard a carrier in a flight suit and tried to find a ring but, the picture was far too grainy. Not that she thought about it that often but, ever since speaking with him a year prior, Mac had often wondered if Harm had married his 'nothing serious' girlfriend.

The last year had been a whirlwind. Professionally, everything was perfect. She had spent a few months abroad as requested by the Secretary of State in a joint effort with the Secretary of Defense, dealing directly with the Middle East in hopes of easing tension between the Marines tasked to locate terrorists cells and the local military that still seemed reluctant to allow foreigners into their country. Her ability to read, speak and comprehend Farsi had been paramount although Mac was sure another visit was in her cards.

Unfortunately, she had returned to find Max transitioning into a new chapter in his life. The good doctor had been offered a position in Boston's number one hospital for children's neurosurgeon's. That was when he dropped her a bombshell - an ultimatum.

He would stay in Washington, if Mac agreed to marry him. Max loved her enough to sacrifice part of his dream for her. If she refused, they were over. "Why is marrying me so damned important? Can't we just be together?"

"Why are you still wearing his ring?" Max had pointed out, fishing out Mac's dog tags from the t-shirt she had worn that day. There as it always had been was Harm's ring. She didn't always wear the dog tags and usually took them off when Max was around but, more and more she had forgotten to. He glanced at her sadly, knowing the answer he'd been avoiding. "You still love him, Sarah… I can't compete with that."

Mac had tried to stop him, begged him for more time to make up her mind but, it was of no use. Two days later, he was gone.

Absentmindedly, Mac rubbed the spot at her chest where her dog tags would be, where his ring usually was. It was foolish of her to still carry it with her and yet, she did for no reason in particular.

Once she was done reading Harm's article, she fired up her email program and typed in a familiar email that she hadn't used in years.

_Dearest Harm,_

She typed and stopped for a moment, eyes fixated on the cursor as it blinked on her screen. "No."

_Harm, _

_Imagine my surprise to pick up the Navy Times and find your picture on the cover. XO, huh? Guess it won't be too long before you make Admiral. I'm proud of you._

_Mac._

She pressed send and started at her inbox hoping for a quick response that never came. Mac thought to write to him again or even place a call to the ship but, then it dawned on her that maybe Harm didn't want to have any contact with her.


	8. Year 13

**YEAR 13**

Harm leaned against the railing of the fan feck, staring out into the black ocean illuminated only by the full moon. He took a deep breath, taking in the sea air into his lungs before taking a swig of the illegal liquor he had in his flask. It was Christmas Eve and he could not remember the last time he'd visited the Wall or ran his fingers over his father's name. Not that it really mattered, he never felt closer to his father than he did while at sea.

He took another pull from from his flask and closed his eyes as the liquid burned his throat. Not a single year went by that he didn't think about how his life would have been with his father at his side. And then he would just as quickly think about Jenny Lake, the woman his father had slept with the night before he went missing. It was a fact that she had not admitted to him although Jenny Lake didn't have to. Harm knew and he couldn't exactly bring himself to be upset with his father and chose to kept that secret to himself.

What he did know was that he couldn't do that to someone he loved. Harm couldn't stray, couldn't cheat although, at one point, he practically had a girl in every port. He didn't love anyone then, hadn't know what it was like to fall in love. It made him think of his parents and if, maybe, they didn't love as much as he thought they did.

Maybe his father and mother weren't fated to remain together. Maybe history was repeating itself with him and Mac? He groaned at the thought and shook his head. There would be no thinking of her tonight, he was here to toast his father, the first hero in his life.

Harm pulled out the laminated picture he always carried in his pocket. It was well worn, tattered at the edges but, the images of a five year old boy sitting inside an F4 and his fighter pilot father were still clear. It was the only memory of his father that remained as all of the others had faded with time. God, how he wished his memories of Mac would follow a similar path.

The groaning of the door alerted him that someone had found his spot and Harm was surprised to see the Captain stepping out. He waved Harm off before the younger man could stand at attention and then motioned to the flask. "Anything good in there?"

"Standard Navy issued hooch, Skipper… Pulled it off of a few sailors." He offered the flask to the captain who took a long drink and then cringed making Harm chuckle. "Hasn't gotten better through years."

"Anyone waiting for you back home, XO?"

"No, sir. You?"

The captain leaned against the railing and stared out at the sea. "The wife… Been through a lot of ups and downs, she'll be happy when I put in for retirement next year."

"I was engaged once, it just fizzled out." Harm said with a shrug as if that were all it was to it. As if the better part of his life wasn't lived with Mac by his side.

"Some women just don't understand sea duty."

Mac did and that was the sad part of it all. She understood sea duty and most of the things that made him tick. She knew it made him happy which is why she didn't object. "Actually, she is a Marine, former JAG. She gets the part of me that has to fly. I'm still not sure what happened, just couldn't figure things out, I guess."

The Skipper wasn't much older than Harm and yet, there was a difference there a man who had finally matured and another who didn't know how to. But, the way Harm spoke of his ex, he was well aware that he wasn't as okay as he let on. "Do you love her?"

"Yes."

"Maybe you'll find your way back?" He took a drink of the liquor and cringed yet again as it roughly went down his throat. "Marion and I split for a good five or six years, she was even engaged to someone else for a bit while I cruised the World."

Harm stared at the skipper and knew it was something of a common theme in the military - the split, the heartbreak. Especially when the couple was young, it was difficult to stay together if your spouse was deployed. "What happened?"

"We saw each other one day, out of the blue, the spark was still there...Been happily married since." The skipper took a final swig of the booze and then handed it back to Harm. "Dump what you don't drink. It's the Holidays, let those sailors off the hook just give them a little additional duty. Merry Chrisrmas, XO."

"You too, sir."

Harm finished off the illegal liquor and made it back to his stateroom a little tipsy that he should have. It prompted him to open his email client and, to his dismay, notice that there was something sitting in his 'spam' folder. He clicked on the message and frowned to find an email from Mac dated five months earlier. "Damn." He hadn't seen it, or else he would have responded and opened up some sort of line of communication.

Cautiously, he hit the reply button,

_Hey Marine,_

_Merry Christmas. I apologize for not replying sooner, your email was in my spam folder. Hope things are well._

_Harm._

In Washington, Mac was at the Wall having just lit a candle for Harmon Rabb Sr. She chose to go alone, right after work although Mattie would be staying with her during the Christmas break. She wasn't exactly good company during the holidays and wanted a moment to herself before she plastered on her facade and pretended things were alright. Her gloved finger traced his name and she remembered a time, so long ago, when she held Harm as he cried over the knowledge that his father was never coming home.

She felt her phone vibrate in her jacket pocket and was more than surprised to find an email from Harm. The message was short and she couldn't help but wonder at the coincidence that he would send it now, when she was at the Wall of all places. Mac glanced up at Harm Sr's name and gave him a soft smile. "Keep him safe for me, sir."

Despite the cold, Mac found an empty bench and sat down. She brought the phone back out of her pocket and took her gloves off in order to type.

_Hey yourself, flyboy._

_Merry Christmas to you too. For a moment there, I thought you were ignoring me. I am just done lighting a candle for your dad at the wall. I know I probably don't have the right but, since you aren't here, I felt someone should honor him._

_Hope all is well, stay safe_

_Mac._

Harm was lying in bed when the message came through, he happened to cast a glance over at his computer when he saw something new in his inbox. He got up a little too quickly and chuckled as the alcohol in his system made him practically fall over.

_Mac,_

_If anyone has a right to visit my father, its you. Thank you for going and remembering._

_I hope things are well between you and the doctor. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. I couldn't make you happy._

_Merry Christmas,_

_Harm._

Mac had made it to her car when the next message came through and she pulled the phone out a little too eagerly. She stared at the message, reading it three times only to feel a tear slip out of her eye. Her fingers traced the letters on the screen and she closed her eyes tightly. I couldn't make you happy. Only, he did make her happy it was all of the other crap, the emotional baggage that picked them apart. With a sigh, she hit the reply button,

_Harm,_

_I want the same for you more than anything. Stay safe, flyboy._

_Merry Christmas,_

_Love Mac._

Harm stared at the last message with a frown. She hadn't mentioned anything else about the doctor. Hadn't confirmed or denied that they were still together, engaged… Oh God, married. So, his mind began to fill in the blanks. He imagined another man kissing her, loving her and before an unbearable rage consumed him, Harm replied to her message:

_How serious is it between you and the doctor?_

He stared at the blinking cursor, fingers itching to hit send to know until a wave of nausea had him spilling the contents of his stomach into the wastebasket by his desk. Once he composed himself, he stared at the message and opted to hit delete. There was no need to open that wound.


	9. Year 14

**YEAR 14**

Mac stood in the bathroom, her hands gripping the sides of the sink as she willed her nerves to settle. You look great. HIs words echoed inside her head and whenever she closed her eyes she could still see Harm. The years at sea had been good to him, he was still as attractive and handsome as ever. She could sense his apprehension at seeing her even if if was over a screen with a zillion miles of ocean between them. His arms were crossed over his chest, a defensive posture he often used when something bothered him. His body was still lean and hard, a credit to his healthy eating habits and routine exercise. She had never noticed his belt buckle, the one with his wings that was custom made.

Somehow, she had managed to keep it together, throwing herself into the task at hand rather than think about Harm. Still, she couldn't help the way her traitorous body came to life at his presence, the hitch in her voice, the way her breath caught. Damnit, she still loved him, still wanted him, still yearned for him. Nine years later and her feelings hadn't abated, not really, although she'd tried so hard. Amd why did he still have to look so damned good?

She should have taken Max's offer, maybe even resigned and gone off to Boston to be the wife of a brilliant surgeon. Instead here she was, on a business trip in Los Angeles being roped into helping Hetty. The two women had met for dinner several days earlier but, the subject of Harm had only come up when Hetty mentioned who Mac would be working with, albeit on the other side of the World.

There was no chance at seeing him, no chance of meeting him until Eric had brought up the screens that were so damned crystal clear it was as if he were really there, standing before her. With a sigh, she splashed water on her face and straightened her spine. She was a Marine, with a job to do and lives to save. She would only have to deal with Harm for a few days over , some stupid screen and then, he would be out of her life again.

Despite what Hetty said, their final chapter had been written and sealed. It was best not to dwell on what could have been, it only hurt her more.

….

Harm was pacing inside his stateroom like a caged lion, his heart hammering so hard he could hear it in his ears. After the video screen had shut off, he excused himself to use the head and instead, disappeared to the sanctity of his stateroom. You haven't changed. Life at sea suits you. Her voice was in his head. That beautiful voice that he had heard for so many years.

"Damnit." And Mac still looked good, more than any woman had a right to look. Even during their short briefing, he found himself staring at her, failing miserably to act disinterested. She had shorter hair, something he actually preferred as it framed her face better and made those brown eyes shine more.. It gave Mac more of a youthful appearance. Her outfit, while all business was still quite sexy, blouse dipping down in a 'V' and despite himself, he couldn't help but look at her breasts. "Get a grip, Hammer." He told himself, balling his hands into fists.

But, his heart wouldn't stop the rough beating, his palms couldn't stop sweating. There was just no getting over Sarah MacKenzie.

And now he wasn't sure what to do other than slide into their professional relationship, the lie that they had lived for so many damned years.

It seemed the more things changed, the more they stayed the same...

...

Authors Note:  
So, this is where I leave you all. I am not going to hatch out what I believe will happen or certain things that have been leaked - which are likely false. (Been there done that with the JAG Finale and the scripts that were leaked - none of which wound up being on TV). If you've written our twosome as long as I have (some longer), I always have a sense of sadness because what we write isn't real, it changes nothing on the screen. It doesn't make them any less stupid.

I may come back and do a 3rd story after September but, this is it for NCIS for me.

I know people are holding out hope for a reunion, a wedding, etc - for me it's too late. They had 9 years to figure it out. NCIS is not gonna give us the H&M scenes we deserved. Thank you for reading and thank you for DJE and CB that decided to bring these characters back.


End file.
